I Want To Lay My Head Down
by LornaCat
Summary: Erica/Joe one-shot taking place after the climax of 2x05, an alt ending to the episode. Erica comes home after the failed attempt on Anna's life, and Joe apologizes for what they couldn't control.


_A/N: Sooo, I'm a sucker. I totally fell for the recent development in the relationship between Erica & Joe. Anna's over there eating people and making babies cry, and I'm over here most pissed off that her meddling caused their marriage to fall apart. Nobody puts Erica in a corner! Er, I mean, please read and enjoy. Your thoughts would be much appreciated.  
_

**Pairing:** Erica/Joe Evans

**Spoilers**: through 2x05

**Rated **T for some light language, angst

**Summary**: one-shot taking place after the climax of 2x05. Erica comes home after the failed attempt on Anna's life, and Joe apologizes for what they couldn't control. I guess it's an alternate ending to the last birthday cake scene, because in this version Tyler does not come home. I started this before I saw 2x06, so...an alternate future to that as well. ;_;

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**I Want To Lay My Head Down**

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On the night of the attempted assassination, Erica did not arrive home until far past anyone's bed time. She was alone and exhausted, physically and mentally crashing after a mind-bogglingly stressful day. She walked into the living room and saw Joe there, sitting on the couch as if he'd been waiting for her. Suddenly she no longer felt alone, and she no longer felt like collapsing right into her bed. He looked up at her, and his worry dissolved into something very close to a sad smile. It made her stop in her tracks. She couldn't decide whether to go sit next to him, or to say good night and nothing else.

There were blankets laid out, and a pillow for him to sleep on. They looked as if they hadn't been touched.

"You're still up." Erica stated needlessly. She didn't know what else to say, but it was alright. He still loved the sound of her voice.

He chuckled, silent, and looked down at the floor. His smile was indeed sad, and sheepish.

"I was worried about you." he admitted, sounding surprised. That surprise caused an old, familiar wound to open in Erica's heart. She ignored it, the way she'd taught herself. _Let him be surprised, then. _It was his turn to worry.

"I'm gonna go change." she said softly, and she waited for him to look up at her.

"Come back down when you're done?" he said. His suggestion held the promise of heavy conversation. Erica thought her body's supply of adrenaline would have been depleted after the night's events, but her heart still reacted to Joe. In a lot of ways.

Barefoot, she didn't make much sound on the new staircase. She'd had it replaced since Joe had been gone, and again she caught him by surprise when she appeared back in the living room. He was so lost in thought besides, staring at the carpet. She stood there for a good ten seconds just watching him think, and then he looked up at her, discovering her all over again. He saw her standard pajamas, the linen pants and plain t-shirt, something he used to see and feel every night when they went to bed together, and every morning when they got up. The formal dress had been sexy, but her pajamas reminded him of being home. It reminded him of when they'd been a family. A married couple.

Erica crossed her arms and leaned on the wall, maintaining the distance they'd created. The distance Joe had created. The distance seemed to bother him now, which only caused Erica to wrap her arms tighter across her chest. She was never sure how she felt when they were in the same room together.

"What did you want to talk about?" she asked. His eyes met hers.

"Tyler." he said. He could see the disappointment in her tired eyes.

Tyler. _The only thing that still connects us._

"He's with Lisa." Erica said, reading his mind. Perhaps that was part of her disappointment, that Tyler had once again chosen his girlfriend and her family over his own. "He said she was really shaken up by what happened tonight, and he wanted to be with her." Erica tried not to smile too wryly as she added, "To 'protect' her."

Joe's chuckle was bitter, and Erica found disappointment in his eyes as well. They both knew their son was hopelessly in need of protecting himself, and that any macho feelings he had toward Lisa were an illusion that Lisa allowed him to live under. Joe was disappointed in his son, and it made Erica's heart ache for her family.

"I guess he didn't notice the bullet flying past his mother's head." Joe muttered. "Past his _own_ head."

Erica shrugged, trying not to let Joe's comment give her false hopes about how much he might still care for her. "He's in love with the Visitors." she said, keeping it simple. The reasons for his devotion may have been much closer to home than either of his parents wanted to admit.

"Sorry our plan failed." he said, still bitter.

"I'm not giving up." said Erica, defiantly, as if she were addressing Anna herself.

"Of course not." Joe said, suddenly apologetic. "I didn't mean - "

Erica's brow furrowed as she regarded the man seated on her couch. It was the first time in years he'd been anything but distant with her. She'd told him about the Visitors; that had to have confused him more than just a little, but it seemed to go deeper than that.

He was looking down at the carpet again, trying to deal with all the thoughts in his head. He glanced up at her, realizing she was still standing there in the doorway. He motioned, with his head and his elbow, to the empty space next to him. "Sit with me." he added quietly, though she already knew what he wanted from that small gesture. Erica pushed herself away from the wall and complied, taking a seat on the far end, giving him as much room as possible. She didn't realize he wanted to pull her onto his lap and hug her pain away. The thought that he might want to hadn't even occurred to her, even though she was wishing he would.

"Joe." Erica said softly, making him look over at her. "What's on your mind?"

Joe looked away and nodded, knowing he'd been caught with his tumultuous thoughts. She'd always been able to tell when things were bothering him, not that he had the control to hide it at the moment anyway.

"I didn't ask before," he began. "Because it was all just...too much at once. But, what you said about the phosphorus, and the Visitors...doing things to Tyler before he was born..."

Looking Erica in the eye was something Joe had been avoiding, because it hurt him. He forced himself to do it now, so he could begin the huge apology that she was owed. He found his courage, telling himself that she deserved this from him, at the very least, and he turned to face her.

"You didn't say it, Erica. And I know why - there were more important things to worry about, and you...you have always been one to look at the bigger picture."

She wasn't quite sure why, but she chuckled along with him at his last comment. Her brow was still furrowed slightly, from worry and from curiousity. She'd been praying that Joe would come to this conclusion on his own, and she didn't want to rush him or ruin the moment.

"I want you to know I understand what it means." Joe continued. "The Visitors, and the testing. It's proof that the blood test might have been-"

Joe caught himself and the words he was using. He was still afraid of speaking in absolutes, since that would mean he'd been wrong all along. It was hard to let go of the sole reason he'd left his wife. He wasn't sure what would happen when he finally admitted it, but he knew it was the right thing to do.

"It's proof that the blood test was wrong." he corrected himself. He wasn't prepared for how it would actually feel, for the sorrow that would split his heart open, especially when he watched Erica's reaction to his admission. For years now he'd believed himself to be the victim, the one she'd hurt so bad. Now he knew that she was the one who'd been hurt, her trust betrayed, their marriage ruined by an outside force and not infidelity. And she hadn't even pressed the point when she told him about earlier that day.

"I am so sorry, Erica."

For a moment it looked like she might smile. And then her face crumpled. She was fighting so hard not to cry, but the night she'd just had, the months she'd been living a double life, the years she'd spent without her husband and the father of her child; all that time was with her, built up like an ocean of water against a dam. That dam was Erica's steel will, her strength, and hearing Joe apologize to her put a very large crack in it.

"I'm sorry I didn't believe you." he went on. "I'm sorry I left you," he said, his own voice almost breaking. "And broke our family apart."

"You didn't know." Erica whispered. She felt a searing hot tear run down her cheek, and she looked down at her lap, swiping at it with the back of her hand. Joe shook his head. She'd accepted the mistake, didn't even blame him for it anymore.

"You looked me in the eye and I didn't trust you." he said. "I should have trusted you."

Erica's dam broke, and the relief of a good, long cry began to flood her. She'd almost died, too many times to count, those past few months. But her husband finally believed she wasn't a cheating whore, and it was the greatest relief of all.

As the relief washed in on Erica, the million tons of regret that Joe, in denial, had managed to keep at bay, came crashing down on him at once. Erica felt her relief, but all Joe saw in her tears was the pain he'd caused her. He'd caused her pain, and he'd left her alone to deal with it all, not to mention their uncontrollable teenage son - who only caused Erica more stress, more pain, the more she tried and failed to raise him.

She was sobbing now, her face covered by one hand, her other arm wrapped around her stomach like it hurt. Her frame looked more vulnerable than he'd ever seen it before. He wasn't sure if it was possible, but he had to comfort her somehow. He had to start making up for all the time he hadn't been there for her.

"Erica." he said gently. Her other hand joined the first, and she kept sobbing, not knowing where else to go but inside herself. "Come here." she heard Joe say, and he moved closer, putting his arms around her. She allowed him to place her head on his shoulder, and she could feel, in the way his chest moved when he breathed in and out, that he was fighting tears. He smelled just the way she remembered. She stifled her crying, so she could inhale deeply, saturate her mind with him and think of nothing else. Nothing else, just for a minute or two or however long he wanted to hold her.

"Please don't let go." she heard herself say without thinking. She felt pathetic - she sounded pathetic to her own ears, and Joe just wrapped his arms tighter, pulled her closer. It scared the hell out of him to know this was all she'd wanted, all this time.

A civilian, her coworkers all scoffed. But they hadn't been able to make her feel protected. They weren't the man she'd chosen to live the rest of her life with, and they'd never held her like this. It didn't matter what he did for work, or that he didn't always understand why she'd put work before family. She loved him and that was that.

Joe took her to her bed, covering her, kicking his shoes off and climbing underneath the covers behind her. The tears stopped flowing, and she felt absolutely empty inside. At that point she felt Joe was the only thing tethering her to the earth, with his arm around her waist, holding her like he used to. That night, even though she knew she'd probably be woken up too early by the office, and that she'd have to leave the warmth and safety of a shared bed way before she was ready, Erica fell asleep - and stayed there. She slept like a baby, like three-year-old Tyler after a day of running at the park. No nightmares, no waking up in starts and not being able to get back to sleep.

Erica curled up on her side, clasping Joe's hand tightly as she drifted off into her deep, restful sleep. She'd deal with everything in the morning, emotions last of all. In her mind they were back together, and for the night that's all that mattered.


End file.
